I feel I have been neglectful in my duties as a whining bitchy asshole. At least online anyway.
So. News. Well I lost the cumstain as he is more fondly known as. Got jack of all the I’m an emotional retard but you should still take it in the date bullshit and went holaaaa I am out of here.
Though it has not been smooth sailing and there has been constant back and forth of why are we doing this? Why do you suck? Why are you psycho? Why do you have the social capacity of a twelve year old? Etc etc.
Amy however is still riding that train. God knows why. To be honest I am a little bit pissed at her lately. I seem to be the guy that carries my friends through their breakups. I am all about planning fun adventures and keeping them occupied. Yet here I am in week one post break up and who of my friends have I seen? None. Fuck Amy can’t even peel herself off her boyfriend to even call me back. Thanks love!
In other news I am pretty much headed for intervention re: drinking habits. It seems bad timing that it’s my good friend’s big birthday bash tonight though. Half my friends are urging me to quit the others are bringing extra wine in the hopes they can twist my arm. Which of course will be a breeze? But I will hold out as long as I can.
Ohhhh. Actually I do have some good things to talk about. I made a new friend. Well I have known her a while but being the awkward rude idiot I am have never really spoken to her until now. We realised we have a lot in common. Like a love of teenage boys and their pretty nubile faces. Le swoon. I teach cougar 101. 18 year olds are so much more fun to corrupt.
Anyway I have to roll out of bed before I wet myself and probably shower and think about facing the world today. Awesome.
Misgivings
I wonder if people realise my ugly little secret. It’s more than likely quite obvious that I, Cooper, am a complete and hopeless romantic at heart.
The sappy gaggy you make me want to kill myself kind of hopeless romantic that swoons and dreams about happy ever after.
I want love. That love that is all encompassing, soul devouring I can’t get enough of you I’ll never be able to live without you kind of love. The one that lasts forever. You grow old together. When you’re unable to control your bowels or chew solid food just the sight of their smile or their hairy butt crack and wrinkly balls still makes your heart fill and your face giggle. When everything hangs about 5cm lower than it used to and you can stretch your neck skin to your nose all you still ever want is to be in their presence.
Where you don’t have to say a word, and you still fall asleep hand in hand.
You know. The type that doesn’t exist anymore.
It’s like nerds and UFO sightings. You keep believing that there is something out there.
The sappy gaggy you make me want to kill myself kind of hopeless romantic that swoons and dreams about happy ever after.
I want love. That love that is all encompassing, soul devouring I can’t get enough of you I’ll never be able to live without you kind of love. The one that lasts forever. You grow old together. When you’re unable to control your bowels or chew solid food just the sight of their smile or their hairy butt crack and wrinkly balls still makes your heart fill and your face giggle. When everything hangs about 5cm lower than it used to and you can stretch your neck skin to your nose all you still ever want is to be in their presence.
Where you don’t have to say a word, and you still fall asleep hand in hand.
You know. The type that doesn’t exist anymore.
It’s like nerds and UFO sightings. You keep believing that there is something out there.
Internet
So I figure these days the internet is used for three things: Porn, blogging and stalking.
Porn is the obvious one right? There are always jokes that it’s pretty much why the thing was invented. The sharing of pictures and videos of other people getting their fuck on. It’s the lord and saviour to the acne scarred, fat greasy teenage boy, to the shy middle aged banker whose wife doesn’t know he wears her underwear in secret and beats off over chicks with dicks. It’s the good old giggle for young and old.
The beauty of it is that if you are sitting behind a computer you don’t have to be scared. People get all kinds of tough when they’ve got a keyboard instead of a face to deal with. You can instantly find out you aren’t alone. You’re not the only one who fancies beating of in a room full of inflated balloons.
One of my personal favourites is pornographic fan fiction. Everyone has had that fantasy where their celeb crush decides to notice they actually exist. Happily and richly ever after. It’s gone to a whole other level. Its one thing to stand in front of the mirror as a kid and pretend to be a character in Dawson’s Creek (I was his adopted sister who Pacey fell madly in love with and FYI I was amazing) but it’s a whole other thing to put out an erotic lesbian tale of seduction by the straight and very Christian lead singer of Paramore (this one wasn’t me… Rihanna on the other hand… that could make a story!).
I just wonder what makes a person want to share this. I guess the same rationale that’s I am using to sit here and rant this all out.
Next was blogging. Which I guess is where I come in yes? I love a good blog. I am a nosey mother fucker so anything that delves into other peoples lives I like.
What I do not like however are these idiots who do nothing but repost other peoples art/photos/work. You have nothing to say? Then why bother? I mean really. What do you get out of hitting a button so a pretty picture on one blog is now on yours? It’s all so fucking incestuous.
You are not hip and edgy because you reposted someone else’s picture of a pallid naked skeletal girl with fuck you eyes, a knife to her cunt in one hand and an apple hovering near her mouth (which quite obviously she isn’t going to eat) in the other.
Lastly, my favourite pastime of late, stalking. The joys of all these networking sites is if I feel shit about myself all I need do is call up the profile of my ex boyfriends size of a sweaty moon tan house new girlfriend and flick through her pictures.
I am a pro at this; I can find anything out about anyone. Not for any particular reason (I mean, if not to make myself feel better in comparison) just because…. Well because you can.
You can take stock of how all the trendy popular kids at school are all fat dumpy housewives, still in the same small town being oh so fucking miserable and discussing who’s kid ate/shit/cried over what.
Ahh. The joys of the internet
Porn is the obvious one right? There are always jokes that it’s pretty much why the thing was invented. The sharing of pictures and videos of other people getting their fuck on. It’s the lord and saviour to the acne scarred, fat greasy teenage boy, to the shy middle aged banker whose wife doesn’t know he wears her underwear in secret and beats off over chicks with dicks. It’s the good old giggle for young and old.
The beauty of it is that if you are sitting behind a computer you don’t have to be scared. People get all kinds of tough when they’ve got a keyboard instead of a face to deal with. You can instantly find out you aren’t alone. You’re not the only one who fancies beating of in a room full of inflated balloons.
One of my personal favourites is pornographic fan fiction. Everyone has had that fantasy where their celeb crush decides to notice they actually exist. Happily and richly ever after. It’s gone to a whole other level. Its one thing to stand in front of the mirror as a kid and pretend to be a character in Dawson’s Creek (I was his adopted sister who Pacey fell madly in love with and FYI I was amazing) but it’s a whole other thing to put out an erotic lesbian tale of seduction by the straight and very Christian lead singer of Paramore (this one wasn’t me… Rihanna on the other hand… that could make a story!).
I just wonder what makes a person want to share this. I guess the same rationale that’s I am using to sit here and rant this all out.
Next was blogging. Which I guess is where I come in yes? I love a good blog. I am a nosey mother fucker so anything that delves into other peoples lives I like.
What I do not like however are these idiots who do nothing but repost other peoples art/photos/work. You have nothing to say? Then why bother? I mean really. What do you get out of hitting a button so a pretty picture on one blog is now on yours? It’s all so fucking incestuous.
You are not hip and edgy because you reposted someone else’s picture of a pallid naked skeletal girl with fuck you eyes, a knife to her cunt in one hand and an apple hovering near her mouth (which quite obviously she isn’t going to eat) in the other.
Lastly, my favourite pastime of late, stalking. The joys of all these networking sites is if I feel shit about myself all I need do is call up the profile of my ex boyfriends size of a sweaty moon tan house new girlfriend and flick through her pictures.
I am a pro at this; I can find anything out about anyone. Not for any particular reason (I mean, if not to make myself feel better in comparison) just because…. Well because you can.
You can take stock of how all the trendy popular kids at school are all fat dumpy housewives, still in the same small town being oh so fucking miserable and discussing who’s kid ate/shit/cried over what.
Ahh. The joys of the internet
Things I wish I did
Red Wine
Crotch Wax
Clean house
You'd think that with so much fucking time on my hands I would have fabulous hair, skin and a clean room.
I am too busy chain smoking and reading gay gore serial killer novels and masturbating.
Actually that doesnt sound so bad...
People are always all about what they cant have. What I cant have right now is sex. Dirty, sweaty, slightly painful and degrading passionate sex. So of course its all I can fucking think about.
These days I sleep with books. Literally. They are piled up in my bed… my trusty paperbacks don’t fucking let me down. They cant talk back, they cant piss me off or disappoint me. This is because everything I own ive read at least 3 times before.
Another con to being unemployed. Read books you know off by heart, watch bad tv or be so bored you want to peel back your eyelids and split your corneas with your fingernails.
Crotch Wax
Clean house
You'd think that with so much fucking time on my hands I would have fabulous hair, skin and a clean room.
I am too busy chain smoking and reading gay gore serial killer novels and masturbating.
Actually that doesnt sound so bad...
People are always all about what they cant have. What I cant have right now is sex. Dirty, sweaty, slightly painful and degrading passionate sex. So of course its all I can fucking think about.
These days I sleep with books. Literally. They are piled up in my bed… my trusty paperbacks don’t fucking let me down. They cant talk back, they cant piss me off or disappoint me. This is because everything I own ive read at least 3 times before.
Another con to being unemployed. Read books you know off by heart, watch bad tv or be so bored you want to peel back your eyelids and split your corneas with your fingernails.
Rock and his hard place
So, after the disaster that was my Saturday night (crying, drunk, loveless relationship and attempts at drink/unlicensed driving) I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
After finding out that my boyfriend of seven months does not, in fact, love me back I was more than a little upset. What a fucking punch in the ego that is.
You give them everything they want. Yes, I mean everything (but that’s a whole other story that involves much ribbing and continuous butt jokes) and it’s still not enough. This shit pisses me up the wall.
So, yeah the rock and the hard place. Like I said I was pretty livid and hung over and came home feeling pretty indignant and decided on what action I would take. That being the “We need to talk….” Break up and move on conversation.
But now, after spending two days on my own my resolve is failing me. I am that pathetic little girl that just wants him here to hold me. Fucking faggot I have become right?
It’s like the longer I wait the more the part of me that is petrified of being alone and lonely – I do crazy cat lady a little too well – starts to take over.
I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to do. What is right or wrong in this situation? But apparently I need to “Remove the cumstain off my life”
Brilliant
After finding out that my boyfriend of seven months does not, in fact, love me back I was more than a little upset. What a fucking punch in the ego that is.
You give them everything they want. Yes, I mean everything (but that’s a whole other story that involves much ribbing and continuous butt jokes) and it’s still not enough. This shit pisses me up the wall.
So, yeah the rock and the hard place. Like I said I was pretty livid and hung over and came home feeling pretty indignant and decided on what action I would take. That being the “We need to talk….” Break up and move on conversation.
But now, after spending two days on my own my resolve is failing me. I am that pathetic little girl that just wants him here to hold me. Fucking faggot I have become right?
It’s like the longer I wait the more the part of me that is petrified of being alone and lonely – I do crazy cat lady a little too well – starts to take over.
I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to do. What is right or wrong in this situation? But apparently I need to “Remove the cumstain off my life”
Brilliant
YOURE AN IDIOT - just for future reference
The only times I have gotten out of bed in the last two days was to either pee or smoke. Oh and today I went to Amy’s to cry on her shoulder and steal her wine to drown my sorrows.
My fucking love life is a shambles, continuously.
Of course I use the term “LOVE LIFE” loosely as really its just “FUN TO HANG OUT”
FUCK OFF YOU CUNT
So I have sat in bed glued to my computer watching b grade movies and tossed between crying and being indignant and angry.
I have known all along I was wasting my time. I knew that it would never be what I wanted it to be. So why did I ignore that and think that if I just gave more, tried harder, that it might just be different.
Why the fuck do we hope against all logic that they will change.
That he’d wake up one day and go “OH! Wow. She is actually fucking amazing to me and I should not be an immature dick lipped wank and oh what that…. Yes! I love her back!”
This! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!
Yet here I am. Still dating him.
Moron
My fucking love life is a shambles, continuously.
Of course I use the term “LOVE LIFE” loosely as really its just “FUN TO HANG OUT”
FUCK OFF YOU CUNT
So I have sat in bed glued to my computer watching b grade movies and tossed between crying and being indignant and angry.
I have known all along I was wasting my time. I knew that it would never be what I wanted it to be. So why did I ignore that and think that if I just gave more, tried harder, that it might just be different.
Why the fuck do we hope against all logic that they will change.
That he’d wake up one day and go “OH! Wow. She is actually fucking amazing to me and I should not be an immature dick lipped wank and oh what that…. Yes! I love her back!”
This! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!
Yet here I am. Still dating him.
Moron
Round In Circles
My friend Amy. Where to start? She is beautiful, thin, and trendy in that “if I wore that I would look like a granny lesbian” kind of way. The sweetest most caring and considerate girl I know.
The poor girl has been suffering. At the hands of the male species. Which seems to be the going trend this year?? Everyone I know is broken up/breaking up/miserable. Fucking hell people did we put something in the water? Or are we all just realising how shit people are?
Anyway, back to the story. Amy met Ryan about 5 months ago. Mutual friends and all that bullshit. Anyway they fell into the gag inducing romance honeymoon period. For a few months it was lovely.
And then the first break up.
Ryan had plans to visit Europe with some friends and decided he didn’t want to be tied down while he was at it. He told Amy just that.
There were tears.
Oh but then he decided she is more important and he wouldn’t go he would stay with her and everything would be peachy.
Ugh.
Okay so for a month or so everything is lovely and they are so gorgeous together that I die a little inside to see them together. You know the couple that are so in sync and just… aware of each other. Vomit.
Now comes the second break up.
Ryan was off for a week or so. We all went out one night and he was suspiciously missing for 90% of the night. Only to turn up later with some “friends from overseas that we haven’t seen for years”
Whatever douche bag. Long story short he palmed Amy for about a week then decided they “needed to talk” then… two days later… decided to actually turn up when he said he would. He said that after seeing this foreign cunt that he just “wasn’t sure what he wanted” and is “confused”
This was 3 weeks ago. They had not seen each other or spoken until today. They’re planning to have dinner.
I am sufficiently unimpressed considering she has been lifeless and heartbroken.
So I will keep you updated
The poor girl has been suffering. At the hands of the male species. Which seems to be the going trend this year?? Everyone I know is broken up/breaking up/miserable. Fucking hell people did we put something in the water? Or are we all just realising how shit people are?
Anyway, back to the story. Amy met Ryan about 5 months ago. Mutual friends and all that bullshit. Anyway they fell into the gag inducing romance honeymoon period. For a few months it was lovely.
And then the first break up.
Ryan had plans to visit Europe with some friends and decided he didn’t want to be tied down while he was at it. He told Amy just that.
There were tears.
Oh but then he decided she is more important and he wouldn’t go he would stay with her and everything would be peachy.
Ugh.
Okay so for a month or so everything is lovely and they are so gorgeous together that I die a little inside to see them together. You know the couple that are so in sync and just… aware of each other. Vomit.
Now comes the second break up.
Ryan was off for a week or so. We all went out one night and he was suspiciously missing for 90% of the night. Only to turn up later with some “friends from overseas that we haven’t seen for years”
Whatever douche bag. Long story short he palmed Amy for about a week then decided they “needed to talk” then… two days later… decided to actually turn up when he said he would. He said that after seeing this foreign cunt that he just “wasn’t sure what he wanted” and is “confused”
This was 3 weeks ago. They had not seen each other or spoken until today. They’re planning to have dinner.
I am sufficiently unimpressed considering she has been lifeless and heartbroken.
So I will keep you updated
Cooper and the "Emotional Black Hole"
Okay I've decided to start with myself. I feel it is only fair and that I probably shouldnt go ragging on all my friends straight out of the gate.
So, like I said earlier, I am Cooper. Or Coop. Or "oi you drunken slag!" to my friends. I am currently unemployed and waiting for uni to start up again so I feel like I contribute to society even in just the smallest possible way.
My days consist of waking up at the crack of afternoon. Coffee, cigarettes, bad TV and complaining about being bored.
The other thing I have going on is my boyfriend. My darling Byron. Fuck! Where to even begin with that mess har har har.
The dude can be amazing right? He's a babe. Tall, dark and hilarious. But has the emotional capacity of a snake (which, coincidentally, is not a lot. I found this out after hearing of a friend of a friend almost being eaten by her pet snake of 10 years)
He tries hard.... I will give him that. But seems to, at some point, have upgraded from a normal "boys don't talk about feelings" radar to a super gillion horse powered one. You can actually see his brain slow then shut down and go into a comatose state when you attempt to converse. Its like watching your computer go into sleep mode. There's the screen saver, the back light dims and then POW its done.
This is the not so perfect combination to me as I am overly sensitive, moody ever-thinking crazy lady from insane town. Even our star signs say we fail at life together, but, we still plug along. Pushing 7 months now.
Maybe he's like giving birth and at nine months he'll pop out of his shell and be a normal human being.
I doubt it but here's hoping right?
"And so our story begins...."
Hi. I'm Cooper and I've got no idea what I am doing with my life. (other than being fucking retarded)
Blogs are like "Life Fail Anonymous" for some people huh. Or just me. Either or.
Anyway, back to the point right?
This may be narcissistic of me but I felt like there is so much random stupid shit going on in mine and my darling friends lives that I should document it now. So later, when we look back on things, we can laugh and say "Honestly, how can people be so yellow-bus-dont-eat-the-paste special? It's astounding"
SO! Let the drama begin...
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